Flashback: the guy who broke my heart (part II)

I loved him. Together, we did things that sometimes still look impossible to me. We went free climbing, paragliding, white water rafting, hiking for days, everything we liked. And everyone loved him, my family and my buddies.
So, I tried to forget that he never said the L word to me, and when, a few months later he asked me to marry him, I said yes.

Then, after I got my current job, things turned bad: I had to work weekends and nights, and I was always so tired that, when he wanted to fight, I just felt like crying.
Until, one evening that he was staying at his parents’ place, he called me and dumped me, saying he had never been in love with me.

For months, I thought I would die. I spent all my spare time in the mountains, but as much as I kept myself busy daytime, at night I couldn’t sleep and I would just cry for hours.
My family, although they supported me, thought it was my fault. And so did I.

Then, a while later, I happened to cross his ways, and friends opened my eyes on the truth. He was back with his ex, and he had cheated on me with her for months.
At the time, he wouldn’t talk to me, I mean, I wasn’t stalking or anything, more like we met, I would say “Hello” and he wouldn’t answer.

One day, I met the Little Prince and got the job offer in France, and I left. I left because I couldn’t stand the big city anymore, and I couldn’t stand my flat, my roommates, my office, anything anymore.
And while leaving, I thought, hoping he could hear me, somehow: “Please, please, forgive me, but I won’t be home again, maybe someday you’ll wake up, and barely consciously you’ll seem to know: is it something missing?
You won’t cry for my absence I know, you forgot me long ago: am I that unimportant? Am I SO insignificant? Though I’d be sacrificed, you won’t try for me, not know. Though I’d die to know you love me, I’m all ALONE”

A lot of time has passed. And, while I got a new life, I knew that day, as I know now, that I’ll never love again in the same way.

This winter, I happened to cross again his ways, while skiing with my father. We exchanged a few words, like people who had already met but do not really know each other, neither wish to. In times, my wounds have somehow healed, and I don’t feel my heart dying anymore when I meet him. But, there still is a big scar that I don’t think will ever go away.

Today, I don’t regret him anymore, and I would not go back to him. It took me long to realize it, but I finally did it: there was not just the hot and nice guy, who came looking for me at the train station up to the platform every evening. There was also the one who made me feel like shit if I did not train for a week, or who criticized my body if I gained 2 kilos. There was the one who could not understand why I wouldn’t give up my job. The one who kept seeing his ex and cheating on me. The one who, the night he dumped me, told me I had been “the worst mistake of his whole life”.

So now, I am glad it ended before the marriage. I’m in love with my man, and consider myself lucky for spending my time with him.
But it will never be the same again.