Just because you feel good (doesn't make you right)

A while ago, Laurent, my favourite ex-co-worker (and ex manager), told me he had issues with his wife and had moved out. This was pretty sad, because they have two little kids and they were an adorable couple (ok, I’ve always had a crush on Lolo’s wife: she was everything I wanted to be!).
A couple of weeks ago I called Lolo and he told m he though his marriage was really over, and he went on explaining me how bad he felt about it: I always considered Lolo as a good man, he was always so full of attentions for his wife, so I believed him.

Tonight he called me because he knows I’ll be in France soon and wanted to set a day to hang out together. And then he dropped the bomb.

“I want to introduce you somebody”
I waited for him to go on, holding my breath.
“She’s your age, you know? We could meet for drinks on Saturday night, with your boyfriend. And then we could hang out, just the two of us, I mean, on Monday, so we can talk properly, and you’ll tell me what you think about her. But I’m sure you’ll like her”.

Like her? What are you, crazy? I hate her already.
Because the only reason that kept me from tearing your clothes off when we were in Norway, from thinking about you 24/7, back when I hadn’t met KS yet, was that I loved your wife.

That night in Norway, you wanted to rip off my sundress as much as I wanted you to. Instead, we hanged out watching the sunset, reinforcing our one year old friendship, telling us shameful stories and getting tipsy on white whine, while watching a sunset that lasted for hours.

Now this was a long time ago, years already. We’re still good friends, although we don’t work the same job, don’t live in the same country anymore, we keep in touch and we miss each other. Last summer Lolo had planned with his family to travel to Italy and visit me for a couple days; instead, they split in August, so they didn’t go anywhere at all.

Lolo, I want to be a good friend and not a lousy one, so I’ll meet your girlfriend and act nice, although apparently she’s already jealous. Hell, I’ll even tell you I’m glad you’re doing fine. Because I do hope you’re happy.
But the truth is I don’t want to meet your girlfriend. The truth is I already hate her.

And the worst part is, if this all makes me so sad, but I'm not sad for me, I'm sad because I enjoyed so much hanging with your wife, she is such a beautiful person. I'll never forget, when I would date a new guy, you would offer advice on sex and such matters, she would offer advice oon what to cook for him (and how), it was so much fun!

But I swear, I’ll behave. I'll be a good friend.


(I really wish you would be reading, my friend. I miss you so much. I know these are hard times for you, and I truly want to give you all my support. I'll do my best, I promise, again.)

Wait a minute

From: Andrea the Hunter
To: DDgirl
Subject: AAA looking for DDgirl

Sweetie,

Where are you? What are you up to, these days?
I haven’t heard from you in a while, is everything okay? I bet you’re working too much, as always. You should give it a break, get a day off and go to a SPA, things like that.
Or maybe I’m worrying too much, but I know if you had anything exciting you’d be spilling it by mail, so I bet you’re depressed. And do you know what happens when you work too much? You stop exercising, you eat junk food, you’ll develop a fat ass and maybe even zits, and who is going to get you laid then?
I’m kidding of course, babe!

I don’t really have big news. I’ve been road-tripping for a while, full-mooning in Koh Phangan, then I was in Koh Tao for a while and now I’m back in BKK at my place.

Whatever, I’m worried about you DDgirl and I don’t like worrying so get in touch.

Always yours
Hunter
Xoxo

I got this mail yesterday.
My first reaction: WTF? I even double checked the sender, since this does not sound like the usual Hunter.
Then I realised I haven’t written him in two months or so. Bad!
Even worse, I realized I’m not keeping in touch with plenty of friends. Between working too much (The Hunter has a point, but it’s easy to say when you DON’T WORK), and the family drama, I’ve been so exhausted over the last three or four weeks, the only thing I manage to do when I get home at night is get to bed. Hell, I actually count how many hours I have to work till Christmas break to fall asleep! (My current estimate: 240 more or less… considered December 7 and 8 are holidays, it’s quite a lot…)

Back to the Hunter, however, I must confess I was touched by his email. Especially by the part quoting zits and fat ass.
I mean, it has always been the same way: I worry about him. Not vice versa.
Oh well, I’ll try to write him back tonight! Oh, and I'm meeting a friend for drinks. Need to spice up my social life.

Clothes and New Moon

I bought myself a cute dress by Trussardi.
It’s a little black dress, the kind of thing you can wear both at work and out at night, it’s posh and classy. And it really fits me well. Granted, I did not pay it full price (I actually had a bit more than 70% off). It still cost me some 70 Euros (a hundred bucks I guess, huh?).

As I said, it fits me, I really like it and everything. The only thing is it just had a VERY small and discreet Trussardi “T” symbol you’ll never notice. Since I’m gross, couldn’t it be written all over the thing, please? As it is, nobody will ever notice I’m wearing Trussardi!

Anyway, things are crazy at work (again). Bro is coming over for the night, and I’m feeding him pasta with porcini mushrooms. I feel as fat as a pig, and I’m training only twice a week, which is NOT enough since the skiing season is coming soon.

I went to the movies with Polish chick, and we saw New Moon. I love New Moon. It was always my fave Twilight book. But it makes me hurt at such a deep level! I’ve reread New Moon a couple times since it first came out, each time I start it in the evening and I’m not able to go to sleep until I’ve gone through the whole book. Maybe because after B left I went on like Bella for months, being almost catatonic (my first few months in France).

As Fannie Flagg wrote, a heart can be broken and still go on beating.

But I might die tonight

I love Bro.
Always have and always will. No matter how jealous of him I was as a kid, no matter the rough patch we’ve had. I don’t care if he kicked me out for the flat that was meant for the two of us, when I was 20, he also rescued me back in 2003 and let me stay with him and his wife for months. I would love him just as much if none of these things had happened, but I know it can be hard dealing with him.
In time I had to learn he is not always reliable, I had to learn he’s more a taker than a giver. It’s the way he is, and we don’t chose family, so I gotta love him this way.

But now I cannot stand this messy family drama anymore.

Last night I was preparing dinner since I had guests, and I gave the Panther a call just to check in. She was much in distress: yesterday it was Granny’s birthday, and she called in just to find out Bro and Weird Wife had set up a small party for Granny and had not asked the Panther to join.
Besides the fact that this of course was a big matter of distress for Granny as well, the Panther was furious. I tried to calm her as I could, telling her to let go, that maybe Bro did not mean it, but I don’t think I helped in any way.

So I called Bro, and tried to tell him he needs to let go. The Panther doesn’t want excuses, I know her and she’s always been like that. Who cares if she hurts us sometime? That’s no news, she was always that way and she won’t change at 59. But no, Bro needs to TALK about it, and of course she won’t have any of it, and so this whole mess is not going to end anytime soon.

The Panther is in distress. The Sponsor is in distress. Granny and Aunt (the Lerders) are in distress. Bro is in distress. I am in distress. Heck, besides Salomé, the cat, who is having the time of her life because she hates Bro Weird Wife and the Kids, everyone is in distress. There is nothing I can do about it, and those who could do something are not willing to. I have a feeling it’s gonna be a hell of an autumn for the DDfamily.

What I would like to tell them is this: I am the only one who has experimented living far away, for a long time. I am the only one who seems to realize if anything should happen to one of us, we’d have to live with this regret for the rest of our lives. Hell am I the only one who realizes that bad things COULD happen to any of us? Maybe yes. After all, I was the only one who wasn’t there when Pops died, I was on a train on a desperate rush to see him one last time but failed.
They’d only tell me I’m melodramatic if I tried to explain this.

Well, I guess I should focus on positive things: at least, since the kids are spending more time at their home, I’m having my bedroom back!


PS One more update: Crea is coming back! He’ll land on Monday and is staying for three weeks! YAY!!!

Sexy and DDgirl (Part 3)

In summer 2008 I told Sexy I was planning to move back to Italy, and he thought it was weird, but when I explained him about the family situation and all my reasons, he wished me luck and told me he’d be there if I needed help.

I ended up moving early this year, as my loyal readers know, and although we spoke a lot on the phone, it took a while before we met for drinks. But before this, I did a lot of thinking.

If I’ve never been in love with Sexy, and if he’s such a good friend, why he’s so different from “just a good friend”?
I don’t think I’m a totally sex-driven person. But the chemistry I share with Sexy is something that belongs to a different sensorial planet. Sex with him is like drinking fresh water after crossing a desert. And not only this is reciprocal, but it hasn’t changed with time.

So in May, Sexy came over at my place, and I thought I was lost.
We hugged on my couch, I had really missed my friend, but at the same time I wanted him so badly I thought I was losing my mind.

The smell of his skin, feeling his breath, his body by my side, I almost couldn’t resist.
I hope I’ll understand some day, what’s the meaning of this game: it’s real and pure… TNT for the brain!

Mind you, nothing happened. Yes, we hugged a lot, but that was it, although I know he wanted it even more than I did, and I sent him home with a major case of blue balls.

Over the summer we met a few times: every now and them, Sexy would drive to the city and come to my place for drinks. He even stayed for the night once, in early August, and slept on my couch, since he had to be in the city early in the morning for work.

Through all this time, we did A LOT of talking. Sexy has a girlfriend he met about one year ago, and I don’t know much of their relationship but one thing: he’s not in love with her. And I know this because he is ALWAYS available if I ask him to spend sometime together, because he can always chat with me on the phone. Because he’d be ready and willing to jump into my panties at any minute.

But I also learned a lot of things about him. First of all, Sexy admitted that he has cheated with me on every girlfriend he’s had over the last 8 years but the current one, and that’s just because I’m not willing to. This wasn’t big news, but what’s weird is he swears over anything he only cheated with me.
Over the summer, I’ve been through a bad period with KS, as you know, and in August we almost broke up. Sexy knew it, and started talking about “us”, and stopping by my office for a coffee.
And then one evening we were hanging out on my balcony and joking, and so I told him “Why, what would you do for me, Sexy?” It was a JOKE, and I was laughing, but he stared at me intently in the eyes, and said “There is very little I wouldn’t do for you, DDgirl. And I’d do way more than you imagine”.


So we’re friends, and Sexy knows it. He even respects my loyalty to KS. But did his feeling change? Sometimes I think so.
Yet, even when I thought I’d break up with KS, in August, I kept one thing in my mind: Sexy and I are not meant to be together. Because should I ever consider myself his girlfriend, I’d spend every minute worrying he may be cheating on me.

In any case, should I ever be single again, I know for sure I’d have Sexy in my sheets within days, because I simply cannot find a good reason no to. I wouldn’t get hurt, and he wouldn’t. And let’s be honest, Sexy is my fantasy, always was and always will be.

Oh, and now he’s had his cast off (remember he broke his shoulder a while ago?), why don’t I call him for drinks this week? Mmmmmmmm

Sexy and DDgirl (part 2)

Fast forward to 2004. In September, after the breakup with B., I moved to France, and it was so hard: I didn’t speak any French, didn’t have any friend and had a hard time. The one day I met a colleague who reminded me of Sexy, and I randomly texted him. On the next weekend, he flew to France to see me.
In the first year I spent in France, he came to visit a couple of times.
Well, a bit than a couple of times, actually. Pretty often, let’s say.

My first months in France were tough. I did not speak any French in the beginning, and after breaking up with The Little Prince, I was pretty depressed (I actually went down to 46kg (or 101 lbs)). The first time Sexy flew to France, he told me I looked awful. Sexy himself has never been over 62kg (134lbs), and as I said, he likes skinny, but I had lost way too much weight. And believe me, I wasn’t even trying to: I was just too sad to eat most of the time, and in the end, I had lost weight even from my face. Whatever. What I want to say is, Sexy really helped me over that bad rut. I would hear from him daily, and he would fly in once per month, sometimes twice. After 2 or 3 months I started fitting in my new life, but things between us went on the same way.

Still, this time we never thought about having a serious relationship. We never even TALKED about it. And I never felt like I had a boyfriend.
From time to time I would have a crush on someone, maybe go on a few dates, ignore Sexy’s calls for a while, then it would not work with the new crush and I’d go back to Sexy. He totally knew I was seeing somebody else every time I stopped answering the phone. On his side, he had a couple girlfriends over that year, but this would never change our relationship: he would still check on me through phone and email and visit me with the same frequency.
I know this may sound sick, but it worked waaaay better than in 2001. And things went on this way for one year…

Of course, as soon as I started seeing KS I stopped seeing Sexy. After a while, realizing things with KS were serious, I called Sexy and explained him I had met someone and I was moving in with him, and after that we stayed in touch as friend; however, there were of course no more visits.

The first time I started realizing how much we were friends before than lovers, was in December 2007. I was preparing to go home for Xmas, and a few days earlier Sexy called me sobbing: his father had died the day before, and he was organizing the funeral. The fact that he would call me in such circumstances struck me, and I finally realised how much he had helped me, and how much he relied on me in times of need.

Although Sexy had already changed from the first time we met, after his father’s death he really became more responsible and a better person.

(to be continued…)

Sexy and DDgirl (Part 1)

Well, the family's situation is still the same, and I'm working a lot, so not much is going on.
I never really blogged about Sexy, about how we met, about how our feelings changed over the years. So I thought I would give you a little flashback...

Back in 2001 I lived with Bro in a small city in Northen Italy, where we shared a studio. I was beginning my second year of college, and he was beginning his MD as a cardiologist. I was ready to dump the guy I had been dating for a few months, he had just met Weird Wife, and one day she introduced me a cute boy she trained with.

People, had anybody told me 8 years later Sexy would still be in my life, I would have laughed to tears.

I mean, Sexy was cute as hell, but he was so full of shit I quickly realised we were not meant to be together. We occasionally hanged out, and he would take me out with his Vespa (oh yeah), but that was it. A few months later I had to move away, and I lost touch with Sexy for an year and a half. Then, in 2003, my (by then) live-in boyfriend dumped me and I went back to the small city to squat on Bro and Weird Wife’s couch (the two of them had married over the summer, and I moved in in October: happy honeymoon!). Sexy was out neighbour, so I soon randomly met him and he started showing up at Bro’s place after dinner for games and drinks.

I had been pretty depressed about the dumping, and I was training hard, so I weighted around 48kg (105lbs), which played an important role because Sexy is all about being thin and fit. Whatever. Sexy was engaged at the time. Engaged, people. One night I walked him out because I had to walk the dogs before going to sleep (part of the agreement of squatting the couch), and suddenly he kissed me.
It was mind-blowing.

I’m, afraid I must confess within 10 days we had sex. And Oh. My. God. Sex with Sexy was an incredible, amazing experience. And within two weeks we acted as a couple, with the only issue that he was ENGAGED. Fucking Engaged, and he had no intention of leaving his GF for me.

It went on for a few weeks, and then in January I had a pregnancy scare. Sexy freaked out when I told him and threw me out in a snowy night, and I realised how sick it was.

Soon after, I managed to put my life together, I got a job stable enough and found a place to stay in the city. Sexy called me a lot, and I ignored his calls until he gave up (although I still heard about him from Bro, from time to time.
Well, I heard enough to know he had broken his engagement).

(..to be continued soon...)