Wednesday, January 27, 2010

January brings news

Yesterday I called Laurent, to chat a little, and I had a nice surprise. He moved back in with his wife and kids, and it’s over with his girlfriend. Now if you recall my posts on this matter (back in December09), you surely know how this makes me happy.
What was astonishing was his explanation: “You know, DDgirl, after the long talk we had in December, I started thinking about all the things you said. You asked me if I love [his girlfriend] and I realised as much as I wanted to help her with her issues, this wasn’t love. I missed the kids, and as you know I was seeing my wife pretty often, so I started focusing on the feelings I had each time we would meet, and soon I discovered I looked forward to have lunch with her or stuff like that. Now I don’t know where this will lead us. We’re trying to work things out, my wife is still in love with me but I know I caused her so much pain. But we both are in a happier place than we’ve been in the whole 2009, so that’s good”.

Oh, and they also may come to visit me next summer! I’m so looking forward to it!

On other news, KS has passed several job interviews with a competitor of his company, considering the possibility he might build-up his line of service for this company here in Italy. Apparently there are good chances this thing may become true, so it would mean he would move in!
Although I’m encouraging him a lot (not to mention I’ve been helping him so much with preparing his interviews, laying down a business plan, and stuff like that), I don’t want to get too excited about this. Because it’s not sure yet, and we know nothing about the timing (should it become true).
And it’s almost one year since I moved, and I know how much longer we can be a couple living so far away. So I’m keeping my fingers crossed, but I’m trying not to make expectations….

Nothing else relevant is going on lately… I have increased my morning training, but not yet as much as I’d want. At this stage, I’m running 3 to 4 times a week (8km each time), plus I’m skiing at least once over the weekend (twice next one). I’d like to run at least 40km per week….

Friday, January 22, 2010

Missing

I miss Crea. I miss him a lot. As I wrote many times before, Crea’s presence somehow makes my relationship whit Bro smooth.
Crea has always been on able to soften the edges just by being in the room. The difficult part is that we need to remember he may have issues he’d like to discuss: he’s not one to offer his own drama on a plate. But he’s human, so of course he has his own problems and shit to deal with.

I have mentioned before Crea is not really our brother, but it just feels like he’s family, because we’ve been so close since before I even have memories.
People sometimes ask me why we never ended up together, and it would be a total lie if I said I never thought about it. More important, it would be a total lie if I said HE never thought about it (see this post…).
However, we both know what matters the most: even though we have been occasionally physically attracted to each other, we love each other, but we are not in love, and we have never been.

But it’s true that sometimes we feel life would be easier if we had ended up together. In any case, he probably wouldn’t be so far away right now.
And this brings me back to the point: I miss Crea, and this days I miss him way more than usually. And it’s because of Bro. Somehow, I’m such under the impression that my relationship with Bro is falling apart. I never see him anymore without his wife around, and therefore we never really talk about personal stuff anymore.

So I never get to solve my current issues with him (mainly related to how he’s behaving with the Parents).
Back to the time we were a trio, we would have just hanged out, the three of us, and TALKED.
So I guess I miss both my brothers, Bro and Crea, even though one lives so close and one so far.

Friday, January 15, 2010

My apartment

There are two things I really want, concerning my place.

Have the living room painted.
My flat in the city is pretty big. I have a decent boudoir, complete with enormous drawer containing all my clothes, blankets and staff that is out of season (in summer I stuff in there plaids, comfy etc etc; right now, summer dresses are packed in boxes, and the air fans are also stashed in there).
And then I have a large bedroom, with wooden floor, my desk, a balcony and the wine rack. (the wine rack? Yes, because I prefer not to keep the heater off in the bedroom, so it’s colder than the other rooms and therefore ideal for wine).
I have a nice bathroom, with a nice tub, two giant mirrors, and a window (yay!), a kitchen with also a small table where two people could comfortably have dinner.
And then I have a large living room with pull-out sofas, a long narrow balcony that face east and south, my libraries and a glass table with 4 chairs. This room needs painting, BADLY, the wall is all stained, and if I can afford having a 80 square meters apartment by myself, I can afford having one room painted. Because I hate doing this kind of things by myself.

Un-allowed structural changes
I want a stripper pole. I know this is totally silly and impossible (I am not allowed to make changes in the apartment), and I don’t even want it for stripping. I’d just like to spin on it when I’m home alone, like a kind of gym.
I know, I’m crazy.

But, seriously, if you lived alone and you had a pole at home, wouldn’t you try it?

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Haiti

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hcEg4W1lDMU

this was already one of my favourite songs, but today I feel like listening to it the whole day..

..je me souviens des rues,
des nuits de Port-au-Prince,
et je suis toujours un ├ętranger...

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Dazed

Day after day, I’m getting more and more dazed.
Yesterday I was craving for a massage. Having two strong hands smoothing the knots in my back, making me forget that awful crickets in my neck, caressing the small of my back..
I’m going to stop here because well, just thinking about it is making me horny. Classy, huh?

What else? Well, instead of lusting about Lou, for once, I’d really like to hang out with Kissy. And I know the origin of this thought. I’ve been listening to Cobra Starship waaaay too much (it’s great for running on the threadmill), and Gabe has some looks and some moves in common with Kissy. And then I was watching Good Girls Go Bad video (instead of working), and in this clip Gabe behaves EXACTLY like Kissy always does, like when he grabs Leighton face, you could replace Gabe with Kissy and no one would notice!!!
So my point is I miss Kissy’s spontaneous ways, I miss hanging out with him. In the end I didn’t resist and sent him a message on FB proposing drinks.

The truth is, I need some innocent flirting. Like when I was 21. But, with the Tuscan gang gone (I’ll get to that another day), I’m hanging out less and less with boys but coworkers (and although they’re friends, they still remain people I have to work with, you know what I mean?).

What else? I don’t know. I’m probably not making any sense, but I’ve been insomniac over the last couple days, so you’ll have to forgive me.

Yours,

Dazed DDgirl

Friday, January 08, 2010

Indecision

Sexy called me on Monday, to check on me, and to inquiry about my plans for last night.
I was more than free, last night. But somehow I kinda discouraged him, an even I don’t know why. Maybe I feel too fat to allow Sexy seeing me? More probably I don’t want to get my mind even more confused?

After all, it’s not like Sexy had ever made me uncomfortable: he knows when he’s allowed into my panties and when he’s not. And he knows he’s not at the moment, so he wouldn’t push me.

Maybe I wanted to punish him for not visiting me for too long? I think it may be that. But what the hell DDgirl?? You were the one too busy to hang out for months!

The upside is, I spent the night doing some long procrastinated cleaning at my place. I did not eat junk food. This morning I skipped the gym, but I already trained three times this week (and two sessions were more intense than my usual ones), and I might do some more training with the Panther tomorrow, so I don’t really feel guilty. I need dieting however – and I’m thinking about soup diet next week. We’ll see.

While it’s still snowing in the mountains, it’s raining cats and dogs here in the city (that was my excuse to skip the gym this morning, I already got awfully wet getting to work by bike).
I came back to work on Monday, and I started a new project yesterday. Hopefully it won’t be a crazy one, I really wish I might take advantage of the sales, and I have tentative plans for shopping on Monday evening with Polish Chick (yay for a girls night out!!). I really really need new suits!!! And shoes, but the Lord knows how difficult I am on shoes…

I guess I’ll call Sexy tonight, while going home, just to tell him I’d like to hang out some time with him next week. If I do, I definitely need to drop a couple of pounds ASAP.

Monday, January 04, 2010

Happy twentyten!!!

Happy New Year, my loyal readers!
I’m back in action, and here are my random thoughts on this first Monday of the Year.

I remember January 2005.
I knew EXACTLY what I wanted from the year that was beginning.
I wanted B. to propose.
B. never proposed properly, somehow he decided we would get married. Now I see how wrong that was, but I didn’t care. I was what I wanted.
My point is not that I didn’t, of course, get married. My point is entirely not about B, actually.

My question is: what do I want most from 2010?
I have no clue, and this saddens me.

Of course, I want things, things that are most important: I hope my parents will stay healthy, I hope work goes well. I hope my dysfunctional family will get along well.

But do I want special things for myself? I wouldn’t know, honestly.

And I know that I’m not mentioning KS within my important wishes. This is part of my continuous self-questioning.
Am I in love? The honest truth is that I ask this one too often. I keep second-guessing myself, more than our relationship.

I spent a nice winter break in the mountains.
The good things:
- I went skiing quite a lot, and we had plenty of snow.
- I also went skiing with the Sponsor, and he managed to spend some time with his friends.
- I spent nice quality time with KS.

The bad things:
- Yesterday Weird Wife, invited at lunch along with the whole family, behaved horribly, drove everyone nuts, so in the end my parents argued and the Sponsor even scratched the car against a wall because he was arguing while parking.
- There were times when I really thought I would kick KS in the ass. Since I moved out, he has got back into his old lazy habits, and he won’t do a thing unless asked, at home, and even then he’ll complain and I’ll need to ask 7 times. I’m talking small things people (like getting his dirty cloths off the floor of the living room). Needless to say, this kicks in my self-questioning mechanism at its strongest level.
- When we go out with my friends, KS needs constant babysitting. I hate it.


I don’t wanna talk about it.
I actually want to forget about the problems. I do believe that part of the problems come from my overanalyzing things.

On to the good things: this week is going to be light at work, because Wednesday is a bank holiday in Italy, and I’m not starting any new project until next Monday. New Years Resolutions are of course, losing weight (hard one) and hitting the gym more often (and harder, if possible). The second one looks like the easy one.

Over New Years Eve I made peace with one of my longest-time-friend. I’ve known this boy since we were 3 (his nickname is Bud, even among our friends, because when we were kids he behaved pretty much like Bud Spencer). I had stopped entirely talking to him after I found out he had told all our mutual friends, a couple of years ago, that he had spied on me and a boy having sex (by the way his story did not match with what had happened, by the other guy and I were the only one who could know it…). It was horrible.
Somehow, in NYE he approached me on the lines of: “Look at my friend DDgirl… We haven’t spoken in so long and I’m sorry about it”.
Since I’m a sucker, I instantly let go of years of anger, we hugged and proceeded talking and hanging out like two peas in a pod.

The Sponsor promised to buy me a Vespa in spring. But then, we all know how it went last year, so I’m not making expectations on this one.

Finally, I’ll end on a sweet note.
The best wishes I got this year:

Dear DDgirl,
I was so happy to see you earlier this month.
It is imperative that we stay in touch, because you are among those people I’ve really appreciated and I care about, over the last few years.
2009 comes at its end, it was a peculiar year, a little hard, but all experiences have their good side!
I wish you and your family a happy new year, and I really hope to see you soon.
Hugs and love
Lolo