Thursday, November 26, 2009

Clothes and New Moon

I bought myself a cute dress by Trussardi.
It’s a little black dress, the kind of thing you can wear both at work and out at night, it’s posh and classy. And it really fits me well. Granted, I did not pay it full price (I actually had a bit more than 70% off). It still cost me some 70 Euros (a hundred bucks I guess, huh?).

As I said, it fits me, I really like it and everything. The only thing is it just had a VERY small and discreet Trussardi “T” symbol you’ll never notice. Since I’m gross, couldn’t it be written all over the thing, please? As it is, nobody will ever notice I’m wearing Trussardi!

Anyway, things are crazy at work (again). Bro is coming over for the night, and I’m feeding him pasta with porcini mushrooms. I feel as fat as a pig, and I’m training only twice a week, which is NOT enough since the skiing season is coming soon.

I went to the movies with Polish chick, and we saw New Moon. I love New Moon. It was always my fave Twilight book. But it makes me hurt at such a deep level! I’ve reread New Moon a couple times since it first came out, each time I start it in the evening and I’m not able to go to sleep until I’ve gone through the whole book. Maybe because after B left I went on like Bella for months, being almost catatonic (my first few months in France).

As Fannie Flagg wrote, a heart can be broken and still go on beating.

Friday, November 20, 2009

But I might die tonight

I love Bro.
Always have and always will. No matter how jealous of him I was as a kid, no matter the rough patch we’ve had. I don’t care if he kicked me out for the flat that was meant for the two of us, when I was 20, he also rescued me back in 2003 and let me stay with him and his wife for months. I would love him just as much if none of these things had happened, but I know it can be hard dealing with him.
In time I had to learn he is not always reliable, I had to learn he’s more a taker than a giver. It’s the way he is, and we don’t chose family, so I gotta love him this way.

But now I cannot stand this messy family drama anymore.

Last night I was preparing dinner since I had guests, and I gave the Panther a call just to check in. She was much in distress: yesterday it was Granny’s birthday, and she called in just to find out Bro and Weird Wife had set up a small party for Granny and had not asked the Panther to join.
Besides the fact that this of course was a big matter of distress for Granny as well, the Panther was furious. I tried to calm her as I could, telling her to let go, that maybe Bro did not mean it, but I don’t think I helped in any way.

So I called Bro, and tried to tell him he needs to let go. The Panther doesn’t want excuses, I know her and she’s always been like that. Who cares if she hurts us sometime? That’s no news, she was always that way and she won’t change at 59. But no, Bro needs to TALK about it, and of course she won’t have any of it, and so this whole mess is not going to end anytime soon.

The Panther is in distress. The Sponsor is in distress. Granny and Aunt (the Lerders) are in distress. Bro is in distress. I am in distress. Heck, besides Salomé, the cat, who is having the time of her life because she hates Bro Weird Wife and the Kids, everyone is in distress. There is nothing I can do about it, and those who could do something are not willing to. I have a feeling it’s gonna be a hell of an autumn for the DDfamily.

What I would like to tell them is this: I am the only one who has experimented living far away, for a long time. I am the only one who seems to realize if anything should happen to one of us, we’d have to live with this regret for the rest of our lives. Hell am I the only one who realizes that bad things COULD happen to any of us? Maybe yes. After all, I was the only one who wasn’t there when Pops died, I was on a train on a desperate rush to see him one last time but failed.
They’d only tell me I’m melodramatic if I tried to explain this.

Well, I guess I should focus on positive things: at least, since the kids are spending more time at their home, I’m having my bedroom back!

PS One more update: Crea is coming back! He’ll land on Monday and is staying for three weeks! YAY!!!

Monday, November 16, 2009

Sexy and DDgirl (Part 3)

In summer 2008 I told Sexy I was planning to move back to Italy, and he thought it was weird, but when I explained him about the family situation and all my reasons, he wished me luck and told me he’d be there if I needed help.

I ended up moving early this year, as my loyal readers know, and although we spoke a lot on the phone, it took a while before we met for drinks. But before this, I did a lot of thinking.

If I’ve never been in love with Sexy, and if he’s such a good friend, why he’s so different from “just a good friend”?
I don’t think I’m a totally sex-driven person. But the chemistry I share with Sexy is something that belongs to a different sensorial planet. Sex with him is like drinking fresh water after crossing a desert. And not only this is reciprocal, but it hasn’t changed with time.

So in May, Sexy came over at my place, and I thought I was lost.
We hugged on my couch, I had really missed my friend, but at the same time I wanted him so badly I thought I was losing my mind.

The smell of his skin, feeling his breath, his body by my side, I almost couldn’t resist.
I hope I’ll understand some day, what’s the meaning of this game: it’s real and pure… TNT for the brain!

Mind you, nothing happened. Yes, we hugged a lot, but that was it, although I know he wanted it even more than I did, and I sent him home with a major case of blue balls.

Over the summer we met a few times: every now and them, Sexy would drive to the city and come to my place for drinks. He even stayed for the night once, in early August, and slept on my couch, since he had to be in the city early in the morning for work.

Through all this time, we did A LOT of talking. Sexy has a girlfriend he met about one year ago, and I don’t know much of their relationship but one thing: he’s not in love with her. And I know this because he is ALWAYS available if I ask him to spend sometime together, because he can always chat with me on the phone. Because he’d be ready and willing to jump into my panties at any minute.

But I also learned a lot of things about him. First of all, Sexy admitted that he has cheated with me on every girlfriend he’s had over the last 8 years but the current one, and that’s just because I’m not willing to. This wasn’t big news, but what’s weird is he swears over anything he only cheated with me.
Over the summer, I’ve been through a bad period with KS, as you know, and in August we almost broke up. Sexy knew it, and started talking about “us”, and stopping by my office for a coffee.
And then one evening we were hanging out on my balcony and joking, and so I told him “Why, what would you do for me, Sexy?” It was a JOKE, and I was laughing, but he stared at me intently in the eyes, and said “There is very little I wouldn’t do for you, DDgirl. And I’d do way more than you imagine”.

So we’re friends, and Sexy knows it. He even respects my loyalty to KS. But did his feeling change? Sometimes I think so.
Yet, even when I thought I’d break up with KS, in August, I kept one thing in my mind: Sexy and I are not meant to be together. Because should I ever consider myself his girlfriend, I’d spend every minute worrying he may be cheating on me.

In any case, should I ever be single again, I know for sure I’d have Sexy in my sheets within days, because I simply cannot find a good reason no to. I wouldn’t get hurt, and he wouldn’t. And let’s be honest, Sexy is my fantasy, always was and always will be.

Oh, and now he’s had his cast off (remember he broke his shoulder a while ago?), why don’t I call him for drinks this week? Mmmmmmmm

Friday, November 13, 2009

Sexy and DDgirl (part 2)

Fast forward to 2004. In September, after the breakup with B., I moved to France, and it was so hard: I didn’t speak any French, didn’t have any friend and had a hard time. The one day I met a colleague who reminded me of Sexy, and I randomly texted him. On the next weekend, he flew to France to see me.
In the first year I spent in France, he came to visit a couple of times.
Well, a bit than a couple of times, actually. Pretty often, let’s say.

My first months in France were tough. I did not speak any French in the beginning, and after breaking up with The Little Prince, I was pretty depressed (I actually went down to 46kg (or 101 lbs)). The first time Sexy flew to France, he told me I looked awful. Sexy himself has never been over 62kg (134lbs), and as I said, he likes skinny, but I had lost way too much weight. And believe me, I wasn’t even trying to: I was just too sad to eat most of the time, and in the end, I had lost weight even from my face. Whatever. What I want to say is, Sexy really helped me over that bad rut. I would hear from him daily, and he would fly in once per month, sometimes twice. After 2 or 3 months I started fitting in my new life, but things between us went on the same way.

Still, this time we never thought about having a serious relationship. We never even TALKED about it. And I never felt like I had a boyfriend.
From time to time I would have a crush on someone, maybe go on a few dates, ignore Sexy’s calls for a while, then it would not work with the new crush and I’d go back to Sexy. He totally knew I was seeing somebody else every time I stopped answering the phone. On his side, he had a couple girlfriends over that year, but this would never change our relationship: he would still check on me through phone and email and visit me with the same frequency.
I know this may sound sick, but it worked waaaay better than in 2001. And things went on this way for one year…

Of course, as soon as I started seeing KS I stopped seeing Sexy. After a while, realizing things with KS were serious, I called Sexy and explained him I had met someone and I was moving in with him, and after that we stayed in touch as friend; however, there were of course no more visits.

The first time I started realizing how much we were friends before than lovers, was in December 2007. I was preparing to go home for Xmas, and a few days earlier Sexy called me sobbing: his father had died the day before, and he was organizing the funeral. The fact that he would call me in such circumstances struck me, and I finally realised how much he had helped me, and how much he relied on me in times of need.

Although Sexy had already changed from the first time we met, after his father’s death he really became more responsible and a better person.

(to be continued…)

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Sexy and DDgirl (Part 1)

Well, the family's situation is still the same, and I'm working a lot, so not much is going on.
I never really blogged about Sexy, about how we met, about how our feelings changed over the years. So I thought I would give you a little flashback...

Back in 2001 I lived with Bro in a small city in Northen Italy, where we shared a studio. I was beginning my second year of college, and he was beginning his MD as a cardiologist. I was ready to dump the guy I had been dating for a few months, he had just met Weird Wife, and one day she introduced me a cute boy she trained with.

People, had anybody told me 8 years later Sexy would still be in my life, I would have laughed to tears.

I mean, Sexy was cute as hell, but he was so full of shit I quickly realised we were not meant to be together. We occasionally hanged out, and he would take me out with his Vespa (oh yeah), but that was it. A few months later I had to move away, and I lost touch with Sexy for an year and a half. Then, in 2003, my (by then) live-in boyfriend dumped me and I went back to the small city to squat on Bro and Weird Wife’s couch (the two of them had married over the summer, and I moved in in October: happy honeymoon!). Sexy was out neighbour, so I soon randomly met him and he started showing up at Bro’s place after dinner for games and drinks.

I had been pretty depressed about the dumping, and I was training hard, so I weighted around 48kg (105lbs), which played an important role because Sexy is all about being thin and fit. Whatever. Sexy was engaged at the time. Engaged, people. One night I walked him out because I had to walk the dogs before going to sleep (part of the agreement of squatting the couch), and suddenly he kissed me.
It was mind-blowing.

I’m, afraid I must confess within 10 days we had sex. And Oh. My. God. Sex with Sexy was an incredible, amazing experience. And within two weeks we acted as a couple, with the only issue that he was ENGAGED. Fucking Engaged, and he had no intention of leaving his GF for me.

It went on for a few weeks, and then in January I had a pregnancy scare. Sexy freaked out when I told him and threw me out in a snowy night, and I realised how sick it was.

Soon after, I managed to put my life together, I got a job stable enough and found a place to stay in the city. Sexy called me a lot, and I ignored his calls until he gave up (although I still heard about him from Bro, from time to time.
Well, I heard enough to know he had broken his engagement).

( be continued soon...)

Monday, November 09, 2009

Thou shall honour the Panther

7 weeks to Christmas, and it’s time to get over The Rut I’ve been in.

After getting out of the office later than 10PM every single night in over 6 weeks, a few days ago I went home at half past seven, which seemed kind of a miracle. Being in The Rut, however, I started depressing over the fact that I didn’t have anything planned and therefore it was bound to be a useless night. An hour later, however, a colleague called me and proposed drinks at his place, since we live in the same neighbourhood. I wanted to decline, I was already home ironing in my PJ, but something clicked inside my mind and I said sure, let me throw on jeans and a sweater and I’ll be over in ten minutes.
We just hanged out and drank a beer, and I called it a night pretty early, but the simple fact that small good things happen when I’m not even hoping for them, and that I grab occasions instead of laying on my couch in PJ pants, well, that’s a good sign I may be getting out of The Rut.

7 weeks to Xmas… and I’m PANICKING about presents!
I’m freaking a bit about Xmas itself actually, because of some recent FAMILY DRAMA I still haven’t blogged about. Guess it’s time to do it…

Last weekend I was at the Parents’ place, and the Sponsor was working, so I asked Granny and her sister (also known as The Lerders), Bro’s family (he was working as well) for dinner and I insisted with the Panther on preparing everything while she rested a while: we had already had Bro’s kids over for lunch and part of the afternoon, which usually proves an extenuating experience. So I put a nice dinner together and we all had a good time; and when Bro came at 9PM I put together something for him to eat as well, before he and his Weird Wife could get their kids and head home.
By the time they were ready to go, the Lerders were ready as well, so I asked Bro if he could drive them home: Granny lives in the same building he does, so I thought she could go home with Weird Wife, while Bro could drive home the other Lerder.

Within one minute the situation degenerated: Bro started arguing with the Panther over the “drive the Lerders home” subject, and I shall be damned if I understood why, but all of a sudden he told the Panther to go fuck herself.
Like that.
In front of the Lerders (who are 86 and 82 years old).
To the Panther, who has never sworn in her whole life. The Panther, who paid for Bro’s family’s house and feeds and takes care of his two kids about 4 days a week.

Silence fell over the place, and Weird Wife, for once, stepped in in a good way by telling me she would take care of the Lerders (which were staring in shock at the scene).

Now trust me when I say this is NOT something the family will get over soon. At this point I really hope Bro’s family will drive to Germany for Xmas to see Weird Wife’s parents. But somehow I don’t think this is going to happen (although they plan to do it, I’m sure by December 20 Bro will find an excuse).

The Panther (who always chooses me to vent about Bro) doesn’t want to talk about it, and hasn’t told the Sponsor either, which is a very bad sign. Although I AM angry at Bro, when he tried to discuss the matter with me I just told him it was a big mistake, and that if he has issues with the Panther he shall not humiliate her in front of Granny, and he said I was right. I still don’t want to talk about it with him, because I’d probably tell him he’s an asshole and we’d end up fighting. So I guess I’ll just have to wait for things to smooth.

Monday, November 02, 2009

Still the one

…yesterday KS and I had our third anniversary.
3 years and we’re still on, and it seems hard to believe, but right now that’s what it’s like. And I’ll tell you, we’re way more solid as a couple than we were a couple of months ago.

Do I think we’re a perfect couple? I don’t. We still have a lot to work on, especially on my side. But, so far we’re still on, and that’s what matters.

Right now, our main (shared) issue, is money. We’re not poor nor broke, granted, but:

1- Last year we had one mortgage to pay, this year we have the same mortgage PLUS my rent (which is almost as expensive as the mortgage we have in France)
2- KS made half of the salary he made last year (to be honest, a little less than half). Okay, last year he made an outrageous sum of money, but it still sucks for him;
3- As for myself, this year I’m making some 3k Euros less than last year, which I guess is okay
4- However, since French tax is paid on Y+1, while Italian tax is taken directly from your salary, this year I suffer a double-income tax. Basically I’m paying something like 12k Euros of income tax (not to mention social charges, about 5k Euros).

So yeah, right now what feels hard to us is the crisis. Well, thanks to my corporate mobile phone generous account, I’m saving about 600 Euros of phone bill per year.

So hopefully KS will be able to move in with me next year, so we’ll cut off expenses! Still, I shall prepare myself: if KS won’t be able to move (read: if he doesn’t find a job in Italy), I shall think about finding a cheaper place. And I HATE the idea of moving AGAIN!!

In the meanwhile, I’ll just enjoy my boyfriend and spend as much quality time with him as I can!!