Pain

I know, I should be writing about the crazy nights of the staff meeting, about skiing, about having fun and plenty of things like that.
But today I learnt something. B. got married.
To be more precise, he married the Polish girl for whom he dumped me, and the marriage took place last summer, at the exact date he should have married ME.
I learnt it through a mutual friend who didn’t mean any harm, who actually thought that I already knew it and that I didn’t care anyway.

B. has been the greatest love of my life, and this won’t probably ever change. When he dumped me, I couldn’t live anymore in the same place we used to, I couldn’t go on with the same job, the same flat, the same life. So I quit my home country, and moved to France.

Today, I still cried when I learnt the news, because somewhere inside me I never gave up the hope one day he would maybe come back (and Bruno is Catholic, so marriage is forever).

It shouldn’t have to be this hard. The fact that I have also seen him today, not talking to me but staring at me, didn’t help. When he realized I had noticed him staring, he lowered his eyes.

Did he ever even love me? I cannot forget him telling me “You were the worst mistake of my life”, when he dumped me on the phone, and I hadn’t seen it coming at all. When I came home the next day, he was gone, and so were his things. It was 2 years and 8 months ago. Since then, I only spoke to him once, one month later, when one night I was so miserable I called him, and he told me he was back together with his ex (the one he’s now married to), and he had promised her he would not talk to me anymore.

When I first met him, and they were together, she used to make him miserable all the time. His whole family hated her because of this. He dumped her for me, but then she won him back.

Today, after so much suffering, I can only think that she will still make him miserable. And I hope so, I hope they’ll be unhappy together. I’m a loser, I’m really uncool I know, but I can’t avoid it. Maybe that’s why he never loved me.

I think I’m going to puke.