The sun will set for you

I close both blinds and turn away
sometimes solutions aren't so simple
sometimes goodbye's the only way,
and the sun will set for you...

I'm done bloggin, people.

Couldn't you tell? Unfrequent posts, laziness...

The truth is, KS is moving in, I'm working my fingers to the bone, I don't get to live anything interesting enough to tell.

Maybe one day I'll keep it up again. As for now, I feel like putting things on hold.

Thank-you to those who read and supported me through this journey of almost 4 years.

How soon is now?

I met Lou and it was the weirdest meeting ever.
In first place, I never met Lou during working days, so of course it’s always shocking when you’re used to see someone wearing swimsuits, or summer nights drinking outfits, seeing them wearing tie and suit. Of course it’s not just about clothes: Lou was stressed out. It kind of washed away his twilight aura.
I guess the same thing might be true for me, though.
Also, I practically never see Lou unless we’re on vacation. And all of a sudden, he proposes to catch up.
So Lou’s big news for me is he quit his girlfriend.
My big news for him: KS is moving in (in July, btw).

I guess my vampire romance has bad timing.

Anyway, we had the weirdest time ever.
I was feeling so sick I had just popped two aspirins, and it was pretty warm outside, so I kept sweating like crazy. My ears felt plugged, and I could barely hear.
Plus, I’m not used to this stressed out version of Lou.

In the end, we chatted a bit drinking coke (him) and fresh orange juice (me), then I declined a lift and walked home, where I went straight to bed (at 4PM) and slept/read till 8AM this morning.

Man, I really need to get over this bronchitis.

It just occurred me, I might be a train wreck

In one hour I’m seeing Lou.
I haven’t seen him in a couple of months, and I look like shit. Hell, I feel like shit.
The bronchitis survived (nourished on?) two cycles of antibiotics, and I’ve started the third which has not yet kicked in. I’m even running a slight temperature. On top, my allergies are driving me crazy.
I know, Lou is just a friend, but when you don’t see a friend very often, you’d still like to look at least nice, am I wrong? Oh, on top, I am up to 130lbs. Which, in a way that has nothing to do with Lou, makes me want to swear like a sailor.

I mean, what’s wrong with me? I have male friends I’d NEVER EVER even consider kissing (not even in drunken dementia), but I still want them to think I’m attractive. Hell, I even want Bro to think I’m attractive.
It’s like that, I’m a silly blonde girl!
Of course, I care about Lou’s opinion on my appearance more than Bro’s opinion. Because let’s face it, Lou is hot. He rocks the best 6 pack I’ve ever seen. Seriously, I don’t want him to hit on me, I want him as a friend. But possibly, as a friend who thinks I’m hot.
Which is not gonna happen today considering my eyes and my nose are pouring, my voice sounds weirder than ever, and generally speaking, I look like someone just punched me on the head.
Whatever.

I’m starting a new project on Monday, which most likely means I won’t take care of the project in Casablanca (sgrunt sgrunt), but at least this one will allow me to work from the office.

Well the good thing is I’m leaving the office at 3.30 to meet Lou, I’ll drink something with him (likely, fresh orange juice, given my condition), and by 5PM I’ll be home tucked in bed. Youppie!

I came back and...

…it was frigging AMAZING!
4 days surrounded by nothing but peaks, snow, ice, a brilliant blue sky, the best looking mountains in Europe.
We could not ski the Haute Route for various reasons, but in the end it was so great we didn’t care!

We left on Wednesday morning, headed to a lake in Val d’Aosta and settled for the tour of the Matterhorn (le Cervin).
It was somehow a tough call, because both the Sponsor and I had (still have) bronchitis, and the peculiarity of the Matterhorn Tour is that every days is harder than the day before. Which, of course, makes it pretty rough after 4 days of skiing and climbing carrying a 12kg backpack (over 26 lbs).

On our first day, we had the best companion ever: a big, sweet dog climbed with us and then skied back to the hut (he belonged to people who work there): after a while we split, so I was climbing up on my own, and the dog kept my pace and never left me! Awwwwww! I even shared all my (little) food with him!
The second day was so and so because both the Sponsor and I were so sick, we could barely make it. But then on the third day, we had this super hard start, partly ski touring and partly ice-climbing, but then we were remunerated with this view:

Matterhorn (Cervin)

La Dent d'Herens

That night we stayed in Cervinia (Breuil), so we could finally take a shower and use decent toilets!
Since it was also the first time our phones got signal, I also found out something amazing:


KS got the job AND HE’S MOVING IN OVER SUMMER!!!!!!


But let’s go back to the Tour.
By the third night, I had bad blisters on my feet, and the cough wouldn’t leave me. I knew that the first part of the last day would be climbing this:

But I put together all my strengths, and gave all I could. And we did it!
When we finally got home, on Saturday night, I discovered my journey to Casablanca has been postponed to May, so now I am back to the city. KS is coming over for the weekend and he’ll spend here also Monday and Tuesday, and if we have enough time we’ll drive to Ikea to buy a drawer for when he moves in.
I still cannot stop coughing, but seriously, who cares?

So you thought this was a fairy tale

I feel like crying right now.

As most of you, my readers, know, I’ve been training VERY hard, over the last few months, with an objective: doing the Haute Route ski tour. From Chamonix to Zermatt and then to Saas Fee, from Mont Blanc to Cervin (Matterhorn) to Mont Rose, the best mountaineering ski tour of the world. Phisically challenging, I begged to obtain a week off from work, worked miracles to organize everything, trained until my legs would ache badly.

But that was great, you know? Because the Haute Route is always an amazing experience. Even more so because we had planned to do it together, the Sponsor, Bro and I, with a good friend of us who is also a guide.

Work almost fucked up everything, because just yesterday I found out on Sunday 18 I have to leave for 15 days to go to Morocco (and don't even try saying how cool that is because it's FUCKING UN-COOL. It will be 15 working days with no days off, in some stupid outskirt of Casablanca. I hate it already). I rearranged everything in order to be back from the Haute Route on Saturday 17 at latest.

Fighting with allergies that are really kicking me off, I spent the last couple days doing miracles at work in order to be able to leave tonight and be off next week. And the allergies, they’re bad. Yes, all the running helped with the Asthma, but my eyes are always so puffy and swollen, and of course I feel like I have the worst cold ever and have troubles sleeping. And I DON’T WANT to take cortisone this year, because it’s unhealthy, it gives me insomnia and makes me fat. But that doesn’t matter because a week in the snow will halp greatly you know? No allergies up there!
But then of course, today we realized the weather forecasts on that part of the Alps are so bad we cannot possibly leave before Wednesday, because it would be too fucking dangerous. And of course, since I have to be back by Sunday morning in any case, we won’t be able to ski the whole Haute Route.

Is this childish?

Maybe. But I really put so much effort into this, and I’m so tired, I can’t help feeling really sad.


Take me back,
to the rivers of believe,
my friend:
I'll look inside my heart
I'll look inside my soul
I promise you I will return.
(...)
we'll rest our knees, on my rivers of belief

...and again. Plus, something incredible

Now, in first place I want to tell you something amazing that happened on Sunday.

I saw three wolves. No, not in a zoo. Free wolves, hunting in the mountains. At no more than 500 meters from us.

I am used to see wild animals, just last Saturday I saw a fox in the woods not far from home, but wolves? I never thought I’d ever see wild wolves in my life.

It was an incredible experience, also because I was skiing and I kept seeing them for a couple of minutes (that’s why I’m so sure they were wolves).

Besides that, the weekend was incredibly exhausting, physically AND emotionally.

Last Saturday I helped the Panther for a tough job: a huge fountain we have in the woods had been, over the last two years, submerged by mud, so we had to dig until it was visible again, and then clean it. Last week I had trained VERY hard, and I was already pretty tired, so this job was pretty much exhausting by itself.
The in the afternoon I ran a couple errands with the Panther, and also bought myself a suit and shoes for the office. We had the grannies over for dinner, and I also stopped by at Bro’s place, so I ended up going to bed without having had a moment for myself, but that was fine because ski touring was planned on Sunday.

And so Sunday morning I woke at 5 (as usual), and went to ski, but the weather was awful and I was feelling sick.
We met the others, and I was relieved to see that B just said hello but did not approach me.
We started hiking, and soon I had to stop to throw up, but at least I managed to do it discreetly and not in front of anyone.

And then we saw the wolves, and that really made me feel better! I kept on hiking, also because we had decided that, given the awful weather, we would just get to the next hut and stop there.

When we got to the hut, I was feeling a bit dizzy, so I stepped right inside thinking I would change my wet clothes. B stepped in right after me, and started talking. He had opened a bottle of beer and (again) offered me some, but I said
“Thanks, but no thanks. Actually I was sick half an hour ago, so no beer for me”
“Sorry to hear that baby”
(Baby? BABY? Who the hell are you calling BABY?)
He went on with small talk, while I took off my sweater, then I realized both my T-shirt and my top were soaked, so I wore my jacket and pulled out my top from underneath (no nakedness in front of B, DDgirl!). I turned around and he was facing me holding a clean sweater
“Here, DDgirl, take my sweater, you’ll be more comfortable”.
“Oh thank-you, that’s not necessary. I’ll put mine next to the stove so it’ll be dry in no time”

(and seriously, B, do you think I’d drink your beer, and then wear your clothes? And then tell me, what would next step be?)

“I insist, wearing windstopper on bare skin cannot be comfortable and I have another clean T-shirt for myself”
“Really B, thank-you but it’s not necessary”

And then I managed to grab all my stuff and get to the other room (where the stove was).

From then on, things declined: I started feeling worse, and the Sopnsor and I soon made our goodbyes, and went home. I felt better for a while and then I plunged into stomach flu, so much that yesterday I called sick at work for the very first time in my life.

This morning I felt way better, so I came to work.

I logged into Facebook and I had two messages, one from an old friend. And one from B.

“How are you? Feeling better?”

Again

Yesterday I drove to the mountains for some good ski-touring with the Sponsor and the ski-touring school crew, as any given Sunday in this season.
We had a great day, sunny weather, a fantastic tour, great snow, and I had a lot of fun with an old friend of mine.

Of course, B was there as well.
When I stepped out of the car, early in the morning, my above mentioned old friend came to greet me and B came along with him, and he was all like:
“Hey DDgirl, how are you doing? You look like someone who’s slept in the car, wake up!”

(seriously? Why would you care?)

I just said “Hey guys, what’s up? Ready to start the hike?”
I mean, I don’t want to be the one who starts drama, so I kept it cool, but still…
Soon afterwards, we were all getting ready and I put on my wool hat, which is a cute warm white funny thing… with soft deer horns on its sides!

People LOVE my hat, and so did my friend, and we cracked a few jokes about how it would help in case of avalanche (with people only having to look for the horns, and so on).
And again B shouted at me across the parking “Oh COME ON DDgirl!!! What do you wanna mean with that hat??”

(In Italy they say that you’ve got horns when someone cheated on you)

I just laughed and said “The Sponsor gave it to me and I love it!”
“Well it is beautiful” he said.

As soon as the Sponsor was ready we left (B was going with another group, luckily), and let me tell you, I was ready waaayyy faster than usually, because this whole thing of B talking to me was so weird.

We had a GREAT day, as I said, plus the ski patrols all made such good comments on my style I may even start to hope to join the touring ski teachers again…. But I don’t want to build too much expectations, we’ll see how things go next year.
The Sponsor also had fun, even though he was a bit tired, and we really enjoyed our day together.

At the end of the tour, in the afternoon, we caught up with the other groups, near the cars, at a small bar with a big courtyard that was cleaned from the snow and really sunny and warm. Since we had gone for the longest hike, we were the last to get there, and I was happy and suntanned. As I was taking my skis off, B came to me and started asking me how the hike was, and then he gestured towards the beer he was holding and said “Want some?”
“eeeeerrrr no thanks, I’m gonna grab some for the Sponsor and I” I said, and I can only hope the tan I got hid my blushing cheeks.

I mean, what was all this fuzz about? He even took my arm in his hand a couple minutes later to catch my attention.
The worst thing was, we first kissed in that same place!

Next Sunday will probably be the last time I see B this year, and I’m fine with that. I don’t want him messing up with me.
I’m not a saint, and I must admit I’d still like some kind of revenge on him, but I know I’d end up being hurt, so I’m just fine with saying hello from a reasonable distance.
Like I said before, back OFF, B.

(In any case, I had an AMAZING day. AMAZING, people)

Overheard

It’s been snowing AGAIN (like, hello? It’s March), and since avalanche risk was too high, I didn’t even go skiing. Okay, it’s probably the first non-skiing weekend in 2010, but still… it sucks! At least I managed to go running with the Sponsor on Saturday, and we ran 10km (6 miles, partly uphill), so that’s a good thing.
Since the beginning of the year, I’ve run more or less 200km (125 miles more or less). How can I possibly be gaining belly fat? The only truth is: I eat like a pig. True, I eat healthy food, but… I just eat too much, and often I eat carbs late at night (hello, overworked DDgirl!). Whatever. I need to stop stuffing my face with bread.
The RUT is here, but aknowledging it is the first step for fighting it. Well, it seems it's gonna be snowing again starting tonight, and that won't help.

On to next subject.

I overheard the parents, a couple of days ago. I didn’t really mean to, they thought I was sleeping and I was just kind of dozing, and I realized they were talking about me.

Panther: “Why can’t she find someone as good as B? B was better for her. Even I liked B.”
Sponsor: “True. B was great, they made a great couple”
P: “So how come she’s with KS now?”
S: “KS may be Mr. Good Enough, he may not be good enough for you, but she’s doing fine.”
P: “She’d be as fine on her own”
S: “Maybe. And maybe not. At least she’s not after B.”
P: “Why would she?”
S: “You’ve never seen when they meet, since he dumped her. She aches badly, when she sees him. And Weird Wife, who keeps talking to him, so DDgirl has to say hello and be civil as well, that drives me nuts. You should have seen last summer, the day she got her frostbites, you would have thought she was already in pain, right? And then we crossed B and his wife. And DDgirl, all of a sudden, she shrink, she didn’t even look them in the eyes. It was like watching someone who gets kicked in their head and don’t react.”

P: “…”

S: “I reckon it DOES go a little better now. It was worst when she found out he got married. But still, my point is, I’m always afraid one day, if she was alone, she might try and go after him. And that’d be really bad. Because, like she managed to have him once, she may still seduce him. But in the end, he’d always go back to the his wife, just as he did before. And that may really drive DDgirl crazy. So leave her alone and don’t talk about B. You know what? I liked B a lot, but it would have been better if he died. We lost her once, he dumped her and she moved abroad. Had he died, she would have made a reason of it.”

I don’t remember anything after that, I think I really fell asleep. I did not remember this, and then this morning I heard “Goodbye my lover” by James Blunt. And I remembered this conversation, and I thought how The Sponsor is right.
Isn’t he always?

DDlife

went home from work at 5AM this morning, after 20 hours straight spent in.

it was raining cats and dogs, and when I got there (by bike), the first seller were already preparing for the weekly open-air market in my street. I saw them and thought:

"FFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKKK!!!!"

(have you ever been to a Mediterrean open-air market? do you have a clue on how noisy it can be?)

at 7AM I surrended, got up, went to the gym and them I had to come back to work.


Luckily, I have Luis Armtrong purring in my ears that it's a wonderful world!

(and yes, the fact that for two days in a row, the cutest and best looking of my male colleagues intentionaly sat down next to me at the cantine, still managed to cheer me up!)

Announcement

I have an announcement to do.

(no, I’m not pregnant)

(and no, I’m not getting married. Stop guessing silly things!!!)

I am travelling to Nepal, next Autumn.
I’ll be trekking to the ice pyramid (Everest base camp), and up to camp 2, through the ice fall, if I’m really lucky.

I’ll be going there with the Sponsor and a friend whose name I don’t really want write, but let’s say he’s one of the living people who climbed all the fourteen 8k metres without oxygen.

OMG people I’m going to NEPAL I’m so FREAKING excited!!!! I already obtained vacation, and the Sponsor is buying the plane tickets next week (October is high season and the flight to Nepal is always a complicated one, so it’s better to get them in advance).

In the excitement, I resolved paying the 800 Euros fee for another year of gym. I need to train even harder!!



On other news, as usual this days, it’s 11PM and I’m gonna stay in the office for a couple more hours. Of course I came in at 9AM this morning. UGH.

One of these days

Most days, I feel fine. On my own. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad KS is part of my life, but I do fine on my own, I really do. I like living alone, I really enjoy it. I’m glad KS will be the on call I’ll make at night when I step home, but I also like I won’t have to cook dinner, and I like even more no one will complain when I’ll get up at 6 in the morning to hit the gym.

Some days, I’d rather be totally on my own. When KS complains too much about stuff concerning our relationship, especially when I’m so tired I can barely think about setting the alarm for the next morning. When he’s at my place on days off, and I’m working my fingers to the bone, and then I come home and find his mess at my place. Yes, there are days I’d rather be single.

And then there are days when, even for a couple of seconds, or maybe for the whole day, I feel such a deep connection, it pays for the days when we’re grumpy or one of us is a pain in the ass.

There are days when I believe in the two of us. Days when I know no fear. Days when I do love him. Those days may only happen once in a while, but that what keeps me with KS.

You’re still the one I love, baby.



Completely different subject: take a look at this pic I’ve taken on January on a touring ski day!! (Yes, it was awfully cold!!)

Back off and leave us alone

I saw B yesterday.
Well, I’ve seen him every Sunday over the last four weeks. Even said hello.
What made it different yesterday?
It should have been even easier, because KS had come over to spend the weekend, and it was great, even more so since I hadn’t seen him in over one month.
We went free-riding, like I did every Sunday over the last four weeks (and of course that’s the only reason I saw B, by the way). The real difference is Bro and Weird Wife had brought the kids along.

B and I were together when Little Princess (Bro’s eldest kid) was born, he actually drove me to see her. B loves kids. I don’t know why he still doesn’t have kids. (I actually really wondered why, but of course I never asked)

So yesterday the kids came with us. And trust me, these kids (especially Little Princess) LOVE me and pretty much consider me as the best and coolest person in the world.
Whatever.

Since their mom (Weird Wife) wasn’t able to bring them on the ski-lift (she’s not that confident on skis), I kept taking on with me either Princess or Lovely Kiddo (and trust me, it’s harder than hitting the gym!). Anyway, it seems that on a moment I was on the slope and not yet at the ski-lift, B offered Weird Wife to help her with the kids, and they all fell from the ski-lift (no injuries, the kids were still laughing when I found them).

(Since everyone was allright, I allowed myself to feel proud that the kids were safer with me than with B. Mainly because, although I am better than him at mountaineering ski, when it’s about alpine ski… well, he’s a living God).

So when we stopped for lunch, I was playing with the kids the whole time, and I kept catching B staring at the three of us. You know, by the end of our lunch-break, I was almost embarrassed.

So what’s up B?
You barely talk to me, we haven’t spoken in almost five years, and I don’t think you have regrets. I don’t even want to CONSIDER the possibility you might have regrets.

So once again, stay the hell away from my family. They’re MY family, and you’ve got your family, and I don’t want you to mess with them. They liked you a lot, and that made things even harder for me, so now just BACK OFF.


I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

(...)
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

Como puede ser verdad?

I woke up this morning with “La isla bonita” on my mind.
I actually thought about two weeks I spent in Crete in 2007 with the parents. The opposite of glamorous, but one of the best times of my life. It was May, and Falassarna, a village two days by car from the airport, was deserted (the nearest bar was 6 miles from our bungalow, and it was more the kind of place where local Grannies play cards than my usual venue).
In front of the bungalow laid a giant beach of pink sand that covered the whole bay. No one else was there at that time of the year, and I’d lay in sun the whole day shamelessly naked (who was there to see anyway?), reading books, taking naps, swimming in the crystal sea (still slightly cold in the beginning of May), just chilling.

I woke up at six this morning, it was raining and I rode my bike to the gym and hit the threadmill to run my 5 miles. Yesterday night I came back late from work. I shall probably say this morning, actually, because it was 1 AM.
Although I’m not running every morning (I must admit I’m skipping the gym more often than I find acceptable), I’ve been working with these schedules over the last two weeks, and each other day I have to work in a freezing depot in the outskirts. No wonder I dream of going back to Falassarna. Now wonder when I think about it, I think “How could it be real?”

The light at the end of the tunnel: this project (which, by the way, is NOT a project of my service line, so I also understand NOTHING about it) was supposed to end by Feb 28. Today I’ve been told it won’t be over before March 15, and it may last until the end of March.

Insomnia

I haven't got any decent sleep since Monday morning (when I had to wake up at 5 AM, like any given Monday). I don't even care about how many hours it means. I just know it's 3.30AM Wednesday morning around here.

In addition to my insomnia, my wrist hurts when I sleep. It's actually fine during the day, it's only when I lay in bed that it hurts.

Today I stopped on my way home to buy some milk and other groceries. When I saw tampons, I realized I had literally no clue about when my last period occurred. I am sure about dates until Christmas, but after that I can't remember. I mean, I'm positive I had period(s), but when? I decided that buying a pregnancy test was waaaayyy better than over-analyzing. (of course the test turned negative, and seriously, it's beeen a while since I've had sex, because I haven't seen KS in a while).

Oh, and I have a new addiction. I just found out tonight the show "Secret diary of a call girl". I love it.

I know this post is shitty, and I don't know if it makes any sense, but I'll do better, I promise!

Full moon hiking

I’m having my living room AND my boudoir both painted in this precise moment! YAY!
I finally put my shit together, called the painter, and even convinced my landlord about paying at least part of the bill. Not bad huh?

The only inconvenient, of course, is that today my neck aches, and, even more important, I sprained my wrist badly on Saturday. Not the best to move furniture around the house.
How did I get those? Here comes the DDgirl weekend…

After waking up every morning at 6AM last week, in order to train (I managed to run 35km last week, or over 20 miles if you prefer), on Saturday I had opted for a mountaineering ski tour with the Sponsor and Bro. Nobody, however, had mentioned that we were to wake up at 4.30AM. UGH.
We started hiking under a glorious full moon that promised us a beautiful day. We had 1500mt (over 4,900ft) to climb, so we were trying to keep a steady but fast pace. We are all quite trained these days, so we managed to keep the pace and chat at the same time: all in all, we were having a great time. The sun rose, and we took a couple of nice pics with the snowy mountains embraced in pink light. It was only when we had already climbed 900mt that we were suddenly hit by a stormy cold wind from the North. One hour later, we were at less than 100mt from the peak, but we were struggling so badly we decided to stop and start skiing down. However, while peeling off the sealskins (you stick them on your skis to climb up) I lost my balance due to the wind, and, struggling not to fall, I put my whole weight on a stick, and sprained my wrist. I didn’t realize immediately it was that bad, but when I got home, it was about twice the size of the other wrist.

Now since I’m a dork, instead of complaining, I cooked lunch (which involved cutting and cleaning a pumpkin…), because I wanted to go freeriding on Sunday!
And so I did. The alarm went off at 5.30AM on Sunday, and I went freeriding in Switzerland. Although I couldn’t use my right hand, I managed to ski quite well (I still have problems with my frost-bitten toes, so I don’t ski as well as I usually do, these days..). I also managed to respond nicely to the small talk initiated by B., which is more than I usually do. So where is the problem? The problem is, the thermometer never went above minus 20° (-4F) over the day (and it snowed all day long). Added on top of my lack of sleep, it means I was frozen to my ass.

So this morning I woke up at 5AM to get back to the city, and let’s say I have felt better on other days. And yet, the ridiculous thing is my skin is glowing, my hair looks nice and shiny, and all in all, I look way better than most days.
Whatever.

I really enjoyed my weekend though. And I don’t have much to do at work today, so I’ll go home by 5, pay the painter, re-organize a little all the furniture I moved to my bedroom, and go straight to bed.

January brings news

Yesterday I called Laurent, to chat a little, and I had a nice surprise. He moved back in with his wife and kids, and it’s over with his girlfriend. Now if you recall my posts on this matter (back in December09), you surely know how this makes me happy.
What was astonishing was his explanation: “You know, DDgirl, after the long talk we had in December, I started thinking about all the things you said. You asked me if I love [his girlfriend] and I realised as much as I wanted to help her with her issues, this wasn’t love. I missed the kids, and as you know I was seeing my wife pretty often, so I started focusing on the feelings I had each time we would meet, and soon I discovered I looked forward to have lunch with her or stuff like that. Now I don’t know where this will lead us. We’re trying to work things out, my wife is still in love with me but I know I caused her so much pain. But we both are in a happier place than we’ve been in the whole 2009, so that’s good”.

Oh, and they also may come to visit me next summer! I’m so looking forward to it!

On other news, KS has passed several job interviews with a competitor of his company, considering the possibility he might build-up his line of service for this company here in Italy. Apparently there are good chances this thing may become true, so it would mean he would move in!
Although I’m encouraging him a lot (not to mention I’ve been helping him so much with preparing his interviews, laying down a business plan, and stuff like that), I don’t want to get too excited about this. Because it’s not sure yet, and we know nothing about the timing (should it become true).
And it’s almost one year since I moved, and I know how much longer we can be a couple living so far away. So I’m keeping my fingers crossed, but I’m trying not to make expectations….

Nothing else relevant is going on lately… I have increased my morning training, but not yet as much as I’d want. At this stage, I’m running 3 to 4 times a week (8km each time), plus I’m skiing at least once over the weekend (twice next one). I’d like to run at least 40km per week….

Missing

I miss Crea. I miss him a lot. As I wrote many times before, Crea’s presence somehow makes my relationship whit Bro smooth.
Crea has always been on able to soften the edges just by being in the room. The difficult part is that we need to remember he may have issues he’d like to discuss: he’s not one to offer his own drama on a plate. But he’s human, so of course he has his own problems and shit to deal with.

I have mentioned before Crea is not really our brother, but it just feels like he’s family, because we’ve been so close since before I even have memories.
People sometimes ask me why we never ended up together, and it would be a total lie if I said I never thought about it. More important, it would be a total lie if I said HE never thought about it (see this post…).
However, we both know what matters the most: even though we have been occasionally physically attracted to each other, we love each other, but we are not in love, and we have never been.

But it’s true that sometimes we feel life would be easier if we had ended up together. In any case, he probably wouldn’t be so far away right now.
And this brings me back to the point: I miss Crea, and this days I miss him way more than usually. And it’s because of Bro. Somehow, I’m such under the impression that my relationship with Bro is falling apart. I never see him anymore without his wife around, and therefore we never really talk about personal stuff anymore.

So I never get to solve my current issues with him (mainly related to how he’s behaving with the Parents).
Back to the time we were a trio, we would have just hanged out, the three of us, and TALKED.
So I guess I miss both my brothers, Bro and Crea, even though one lives so close and one so far.

My apartment

There are two things I really want, concerning my place.

Have the living room painted.
My flat in the city is pretty big. I have a decent boudoir, complete with enormous drawer containing all my clothes, blankets and staff that is out of season (in summer I stuff in there plaids, comfy etc etc; right now, summer dresses are packed in boxes, and the air fans are also stashed in there).
And then I have a large bedroom, with wooden floor, my desk, a balcony and the wine rack. (the wine rack? Yes, because I prefer not to keep the heater off in the bedroom, so it’s colder than the other rooms and therefore ideal for wine).
I have a nice bathroom, with a nice tub, two giant mirrors, and a window (yay!), a kitchen with also a small table where two people could comfortably have dinner.
And then I have a large living room with pull-out sofas, a long narrow balcony that face east and south, my libraries and a glass table with 4 chairs. This room needs painting, BADLY, the wall is all stained, and if I can afford having a 80 square meters apartment by myself, I can afford having one room painted. Because I hate doing this kind of things by myself.

Un-allowed structural changes
I want a stripper pole. I know this is totally silly and impossible (I am not allowed to make changes in the apartment), and I don’t even want it for stripping. I’d just like to spin on it when I’m home alone, like a kind of gym.
I know, I’m crazy.

But, seriously, if you lived alone and you had a pole at home, wouldn’t you try it?

Haiti

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hcEg4W1lDMU

this was already one of my favourite songs, but today I feel like listening to it the whole day..

..je me souviens des rues,
des nuits de Port-au-Prince,
et je suis toujours un étranger...

Dazed

Day after day, I’m getting more and more dazed.
Yesterday I was craving for a massage. Having two strong hands smoothing the knots in my back, making me forget that awful crickets in my neck, caressing the small of my back..
I’m going to stop here because well, just thinking about it is making me horny. Classy, huh?

What else? Well, instead of lusting about Lou, for once, I’d really like to hang out with Kissy. And I know the origin of this thought. I’ve been listening to Cobra Starship waaaay too much (it’s great for running on the threadmill), and Gabe has some looks and some moves in common with Kissy. And then I was watching Good Girls Go Bad video (instead of working), and in this clip Gabe behaves EXACTLY like Kissy always does, like when he grabs Leighton face, you could replace Gabe with Kissy and no one would notice!!!
So my point is I miss Kissy’s spontaneous ways, I miss hanging out with him. In the end I didn’t resist and sent him a message on FB proposing drinks.

The truth is, I need some innocent flirting. Like when I was 21. But, with the Tuscan gang gone (I’ll get to that another day), I’m hanging out less and less with boys but coworkers (and although they’re friends, they still remain people I have to work with, you know what I mean?).

What else? I don’t know. I’m probably not making any sense, but I’ve been insomniac over the last couple days, so you’ll have to forgive me.

Yours,

Dazed DDgirl

Indecision

Sexy called me on Monday, to check on me, and to inquiry about my plans for last night.
I was more than free, last night. But somehow I kinda discouraged him, an even I don’t know why. Maybe I feel too fat to allow Sexy seeing me? More probably I don’t want to get my mind even more confused?

After all, it’s not like Sexy had ever made me uncomfortable: he knows when he’s allowed into my panties and when he’s not. And he knows he’s not at the moment, so he wouldn’t push me.

Maybe I wanted to punish him for not visiting me for too long? I think it may be that. But what the hell DDgirl?? You were the one too busy to hang out for months!

The upside is, I spent the night doing some long procrastinated cleaning at my place. I did not eat junk food. This morning I skipped the gym, but I already trained three times this week (and two sessions were more intense than my usual ones), and I might do some more training with the Panther tomorrow, so I don’t really feel guilty. I need dieting however – and I’m thinking about soup diet next week. We’ll see.

While it’s still snowing in the mountains, it’s raining cats and dogs here in the city (that was my excuse to skip the gym this morning, I already got awfully wet getting to work by bike).
I came back to work on Monday, and I started a new project yesterday. Hopefully it won’t be a crazy one, I really wish I might take advantage of the sales, and I have tentative plans for shopping on Monday evening with Polish Chick (yay for a girls night out!!). I really really need new suits!!! And shoes, but the Lord knows how difficult I am on shoes…

I guess I’ll call Sexy tonight, while going home, just to tell him I’d like to hang out some time with him next week. If I do, I definitely need to drop a couple of pounds ASAP.

Happy twentyten!!!

Happy New Year, my loyal readers!
I’m back in action, and here are my random thoughts on this first Monday of the Year.

I remember January 2005.
I knew EXACTLY what I wanted from the year that was beginning.
I wanted B. to propose.
B. never proposed properly, somehow he decided we would get married. Now I see how wrong that was, but I didn’t care. I was what I wanted.
My point is not that I didn’t, of course, get married. My point is entirely not about B, actually.

My question is: what do I want most from 2010?
I have no clue, and this saddens me.

Of course, I want things, things that are most important: I hope my parents will stay healthy, I hope work goes well. I hope my dysfunctional family will get along well.

But do I want special things for myself? I wouldn’t know, honestly.

And I know that I’m not mentioning KS within my important wishes. This is part of my continuous self-questioning.
Am I in love? The honest truth is that I ask this one too often. I keep second-guessing myself, more than our relationship.

I spent a nice winter break in the mountains.
The good things:
- I went skiing quite a lot, and we had plenty of snow.
- I also went skiing with the Sponsor, and he managed to spend some time with his friends.
- I spent nice quality time with KS.

The bad things:
- Yesterday Weird Wife, invited at lunch along with the whole family, behaved horribly, drove everyone nuts, so in the end my parents argued and the Sponsor even scratched the car against a wall because he was arguing while parking.
- There were times when I really thought I would kick KS in the ass. Since I moved out, he has got back into his old lazy habits, and he won’t do a thing unless asked, at home, and even then he’ll complain and I’ll need to ask 7 times. I’m talking small things people (like getting his dirty cloths off the floor of the living room). Needless to say, this kicks in my self-questioning mechanism at its strongest level.
- When we go out with my friends, KS needs constant babysitting. I hate it.


I don’t wanna talk about it.
I actually want to forget about the problems. I do believe that part of the problems come from my overanalyzing things.

On to the good things: this week is going to be light at work, because Wednesday is a bank holiday in Italy, and I’m not starting any new project until next Monday. New Years Resolutions are of course, losing weight (hard one) and hitting the gym more often (and harder, if possible). The second one looks like the easy one.

Over New Years Eve I made peace with one of my longest-time-friend. I’ve known this boy since we were 3 (his nickname is Bud, even among our friends, because when we were kids he behaved pretty much like Bud Spencer). I had stopped entirely talking to him after I found out he had told all our mutual friends, a couple of years ago, that he had spied on me and a boy having sex (by the way his story did not match with what had happened, by the other guy and I were the only one who could know it…). It was horrible.
Somehow, in NYE he approached me on the lines of: “Look at my friend DDgirl… We haven’t spoken in so long and I’m sorry about it”.
Since I’m a sucker, I instantly let go of years of anger, we hugged and proceeded talking and hanging out like two peas in a pod.

The Sponsor promised to buy me a Vespa in spring. But then, we all know how it went last year, so I’m not making expectations on this one.

Finally, I’ll end on a sweet note.
The best wishes I got this year:

Dear DDgirl,
I was so happy to see you earlier this month.
It is imperative that we stay in touch, because you are among those people I’ve really appreciated and I care about, over the last few years.
2009 comes at its end, it was a peculiar year, a little hard, but all experiences have their good side!
I wish you and your family a happy new year, and I really hope to see you soon.
Hugs and love
Lolo